Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
