I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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