Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
