no, he came in my armpit
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
