Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
