i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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