if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize