Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
