The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
