We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Never underestimate the power of titties
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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