I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
