Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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