i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
