So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
