did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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