____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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