She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
