I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
