Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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