i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
