oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
