She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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