i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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