I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
