you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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