if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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