your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
