They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
