My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
