I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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