I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
