i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
