Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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