If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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