Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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