I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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