Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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