Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
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