So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
