2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
