Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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