Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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