Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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