my mouth tastes like poor choices
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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