In the future we'll all be gay
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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