So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
