i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
