We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
