i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
