Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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