when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
