I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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