im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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