I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Randomize
