you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize