I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
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