Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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